searching for the switch

I am starting to think that these obstacles that present themselves, that keep rolling in front of us are supposed to. in some way, cosmic strings are pulled and the sounds that reverberate shift the reality that is constantly manifesting. often, i feel that i survived another near miss by the skin of my teeth, some loophole that i found, but while i may have negotiated that situation, it was just a reminder that at some point in the future, i will be presented with a similar scenario that will be more difficult to squeak past.

i also am feeling that there are some things i have waited for to present themselves, which have not, after many years of waiting, and might not ever -- so what am i waiting for and why wait for anything? what is waiting but another extension of a dance with fiction? maybe all i can do is work with what is? this seems to jive with the ancient wisdom that i strive to find alignment with but it is so difficult! i too feel like i deserve more, i deserve better, i deserve...

i am starting to reevaluate my ethics when it comes to working within the system to get what i want. so far, my efforts have given me some good experiences and freedoms but all at a cost to other areas of my life. i have had to give up something that is meaningful to me in order to pursue something else. i know there are ways for me to be more empowered and experience the riches of a more profound freedom. ultimately i have to keep reminding myself that what is happening to me is a choice that i have made. and everything that i am doing and not doing is also a choice. when i see it like this, i don't feel that i am at the will of the random, the strings of the drunk puppeteer.

i too am looking for the inner king, the god whose presence is serenity which is happiness. the looking is of course inward to uncover what is already there but why is it so covered up? the blankets of my ego keep the light dark and my hands keep tracing the walls feeling for the switch.